Shutdown

Where do I start!? I’m dealing with so much overwhelm right now. But via today’s post, and to coin some lyrics from one of my favourite songs right now “Let me show you what it means to be human… To be wanted, to be vulnerable… Let me show you what it means to be human… To be helpless, and emotional… Let me show you what it means to be human.”

Now I won’t go brutal with this next point or maybe not as brutal as I’d sort of planned to- but I’m sort of writing this while I’m either I’m affected by slight nasal hay fever (or whatever makes my voice sound different today). I’m in a mood because of this, because (and back to the point), it comes down to choice doesn’t it. It comes down to the fact that if you make the choice to be sociable, chances are the next day you wake up worse for wear. And I’m not even drunk! Never have I been or will be drunk. That’s what worse for wear usually means- but not for me. If I hadn’t decided to go and join a lawn bowls session yesterday morning and evening, maybe I’d be in peak form. I mean I don’t feel ill by the way. I don’t have the shivers like I did when I had Covid back in March or April. All I have is probably hay fever. Yet hay fever symptoms were talked about in the summer of 2021 when newsreaders and people everywhere were still obsessed about something nobody can avoid. And enough people are vaccinated now. So don’t even try and avoid it- because it’s foolish. Yet I’ve just made a point avoid avoiding people in order to not be ill. See how flippant some things make me!

The reason why I feel like this right now, is that I’m always on the go. I hate the idea of resting or actually trying to rest. The only positive of hay fever tablets is they make you sleepy and actually fall into an effortless nap. Rest takes effort. It takes effort to get to sleep and rest properly. That’s why I hate it. And by the way that doesn’t mean I hate everything that takes effort before you berate my values. I’m currently very passionate about what I’m doing in terms of researching topics regarding disabilities and mental health in particular. And I don’t want to be suffering from anything right now especially because I want to further this research and get as many results from my surveys as possible. Then I can analyse the results and liaise with people to find the best ways to help the community locally to me and in the future more nationally hopefully, to better their overall health and wellbeing.

Health and wellbeing can be supplemented by numerous things. It’s just so difficult when the people who usually discuss this don’t really have inclusion in mind in numerous studies they do. It’s like reading. Now I’ve tried to become more interested in reading books. I’ve got enough of them on my shelves. But I struggle to process what I read. And this podcast talks about reading aloud for 30 minutes per day. Not something I can say I really want to do. Because I speak aloud for more than this per day. And I can’t say my understanding of the world is enhanced. Only understanding of people’s different agendas, some of which I really do hate. I mean the only agenda I probably don’t hate right now is SAVE THE POLAR BEARS. I’m one for a start (as per this animal personality thing I once did at an interview) but literally SAVE THE POLAR BEARS! It’s hitting record temperatures in their part of the world right now. Forget the ice caps, it’ll be them that’ll be melting in their current circumstances. But as I said, some person will make this agenda into a witch-hunt against various people and all kinds of wrong beyond that because they think pedalling their own agenda makes the world better. I’d say just do what you want within reason, listen to good music, surround yourself with good people who’s vibe matches yours and as long as you are able to function- keep doing that. You don’t have to listen to some radio genius who would probably think all these different things are so easy to incorporate into your life. A family friend of mine is right in this regard… Life just gets more complicated when you reach the age of 21. I’m beyond that, so I guess I’m prepared for how overwhelmed life will get moving forward.

In terms of something that would make the world better for certain, is more inclusive leadership. There must be a number of people out there who have the personality and skills to run sports clubs for example. Let me ask you this: If I’m totally new to a sports club, do you think I’m going to remember everything that’s said to me about what’s going on? I have Dyspraxia and some Autism features which make life mentally more exhausting. But people don’t help themselves to create a good rapport with people like me. They just make people like me more irate and more determined of people’s genuine 24 carat incompetence. Of the lack of patience and expectation that straight away I’m going to fit right in and know everything about each environment I try to integrate into. If there were more people out there in the right kind of positions life would be easier. To be honest, life would be even better if public transport was actually reliable and allowed me to get to such events or at least to to events and get a picture of the sort of leadership that exists in these settings. But public transport is a joke right now. So if bus drivers have flocked to drive lorries… Come back… And get those who can’t drive and need to get to work and social environments back to these settings. The lateness of buses has made me particularly angry recently. All of these public transport workers have got more money than me. So why are they complaining? They’ll probably or most likely have a family who will be supporting them financially, as do I. But do what’s right for the majority and allow people to live a prosperous life. With these transport issues, we may as well be back in a terminal lockdown again. I mean doesn’t it already feel like it anyway? Cost of living crises. Petrol prices on the increase further lining the pockets of big fuel companies. Someone try and tell me I’m wrong!

Some of what I’ve said in here is flippant. But everyone is a hypocrite really aren’t they? Because people will say that people who are in the current mental state I’m in are being irrational. But those same people will be irrational themselves at some point. Because their understanding of the world is their truth, not THE TRUTH. Just the same as people like me. Though I’d love what I really believe to be THE TRUTH. Of course I would. I’d love to shut down everyone else’s arguments about what’s right and wrong. But it’s human psyche. When you are younger and have been on the planet for longer, you want your own understanding of things to be found commonly by other people for the most part so then you spend less time arguing. But arguing is another human thing isn’t it? Like loads of people argue. They make up, but they argue! I’d love for it not to be a thing because I think it truly kills the mental health of anyone involved in the furore. Human emotions are so difficult. But everyone has them and we all have to make the effort to understand whether someone’s in a sunshine state or a cloudy conundrum.

What I’m thankful for between all of this anguish, is that I have people in my life willing to try and understand why I feel this way. I also connect hugely to music. In the absence of music that hits me emotionally, I just love music anyway, especially the new genres I became passionate about funnily enough just as Covid became a thing in 2020. One had to find some escapism during that time didn’t they. So that’s why I shared some lyrics at the start of today’s post. Because I wanted you all to “let me show you what it means to be human!”