Navigating the world through the eyes of an anxious and neurodiverse individual

Aaaaahhh. That’s not a scream by the way. It’s me after I’ve taken the first sip of my cup of green tea. Though it easily could be a scream. The difficulty of being an anxious individual with my own set of challenges through having Dyspraxia are presenting tenfold right now.

The word dualities recently cropped up. I used it myself at a mental health based event I went to. But its a word I became familiar with back in 2019 when a friend of mine coined the term at a Dyspraxia based event. As you can tell, these things link quite a lot. I personally just find it quite difficult knowing what the right answer is in a lot of scenarios and this is where the word dualities comes to light.

Think of Batman. His arch nemesis in the Joker causes him no doubt some sort of mental anguish. But he’s in two minds: “do I take the battle to the Joker myself” or “do I let the authorities deal with it even though they probably won’t get the job done.” Not that I ask myself similar questions… Far from it. But the same mental activity still goes on in my head. Questions without the answers or the planning of how I’m going to move forward and develop myself.

I went to this event in October last year which definitely switched on some lights in terms of my feelings and needs. My biggest needs I often document are shared reality and to be seen for my true intentions. If I was brutally honest (which I can be), I don’t really have the greatest understanding of which people my shared reality lies with. And in terms of my positive intentions, sometimes these get clouded by other emotions and people probably lose that element of connection to me.

Throughout the past few years, I have spent a fair bit of my time trying to understand where I fit in the world. What things are right for me. Who the right people are for me and all the rest. The one thing I wish I had more of is the confidence to go forth and say: “I want to try that and see if it fits.” This comes down to too many experiences I’ve put myself into now which have left me fearing that unknown. The lack of communication at times and distinct lack of leadership in certain contexts has left me feeling more anxious about searching for that fulfilment.

Things happen! I mean that’s a cert. Things happen for everyone, and the bit that becomes the most challenging for me is the mantra of “everyone is in control of their own destiny.” I never really do feel in control which is the main problem. I’m not a control freak. I’m not someone who loves the word because it can become tarnished throughout the different contexts it can apply to. I guess I’d prefer to use the word assertiveness. I sort of wish I was more assertive. But it just isn’t me. It’s not the way I communicate effectively with people. But when I was described via a skills assessment of being able to communicate very strongly in written and verbal contexts it has left me wondering all this time if part of this is true. I love writing. I love speaking about my passions and interests. But I end up thinking some people are more a threat so I don’t speak to them, even though it could be of benefit to me. I don’t mean that in a selfish way- or maybe I do. It depends on whether the popular viewpoint is that you have to step on people’s toes to get to where you want to be.

Above all else, I want to find that destination as soon as possible that gives me that sense of feeling that what I’m doing is related to who I am as a person. I sometimes feel I get too drawn into things where I feel I can be easily exposed. I don’t like the exposure of having to interact with lots of people and tell them everything or have them ask questions. I just want to be accepted to be in my own world where I can make choices and feel less sense of fear about making decisions that could be seen as “a step back to move forward again.”

The most important thing of all is to become more comfortable in saying NO and tapping into your own intuition. I don’t do it enough because I feel a duty to the community and based off the achievements of last year, feel like I have to keep that positive momentum of being a recognisable face that jumps at the chance to do anything and everything. Be this a lesson: Jump at the chance, show a positive attitude. But apply the self to situations that give back to you so that you aren’t the sole giver! You’ll thank yourself later!

In loving memory of Felix

What a lovely cat he was. He brought pleasure to the lives of me and my family. Ever since he became part of our family in 2007, he blessed us with so many happy memories.

• 

He just added that extra element into my life. It may be difficult for people who don’t have a pet to understand just how much good they do. But it is there. Every time I’d hear him purring it would calm me. Every time I stroked him I would feel relief. The stress demons would leave me. The very image of warmth and affection. Golden like the sun… Felix was all of those things!

It also goes unnoticed at times I believe just that sort of feeling that a person would get if Felix was there to greet them at the door. Every day I would come back from a walk, or any time I got back from the office- he would be there waiting with love (of purity and the cupboard sort). We usually think of the human version of this. But for people that become isolated… Like I have experienced- seeing that familiar furry face boosted my mental health hugely.

• 

Each development phase of his life was special to witness. The days of chasing his tail, to the days where he’d bat his ball to me every time without fail. It was all part of a lovely life for him and gave me a lot of pleasure.

There were also particular times of the year where he would come and sit by my side in my study before I went to bed. Just having that company gave me a greater sense of purpose. That when face to face human contact wasn’t available at that moment in time, there was another living being who was there to look after me.

One thing I can say for sure- is that it wasn’t just my own life and my family’s life that was positively impacted by Felix. He was universally loved by everyone who has come to our house. He was incredibly friendly and gave anybody that feeling that they were cared for. You can’t put a price on that!

• 

There’s science to back up all of the above too! It is proven in numerous studies that stroking a cat helps to lower blood pressure and risk of heart disease. The purring of a cat also helps to heal tendons, muscles and bones. Now I know why I feel my body replenished itself so quickly after a strenuous workout.

Reducing loneliness is something that is very much a part of my life within my working environment nowadays. Having that companionship with Felix for 14 years helped me to feel a sense of responsibility to look after him- and in turn look after my own wellbeing. I’d always make sure that when his “tummy clock” chimed, so would mine. We would have our meals at the same time so we had that shared experience. We would even sit in front of the TV together, with me inevitably getting distracted by him wanting his favourite ear rubs.

One thing is for certain- Felix will never be forgotten. Everyone who met Felix will have a place in their heart with his name attached. Me and my family have so many lovely memories of him. These will live on for an incredibly long time. My final moment with him was shared together in my study as he sat keeping me company whilst I would stroke him every once in a while, before I went off to bed.

Thank you very much for the 14 years of joy you gave us Felix. Rest easy beautiful boy.

• 

World Mental Health Day 2021- Mental Health in an unequal world

• 

Today is World Mental Health Day, and the theme for this is mental health in an unequal world.

It is incredibly important to me that mental health is something that people don’t see as this thing that can only affect certain people. Surely by now, people understand the simple fact that mental health itself… Doesn’t discriminate!

• 

Whether you work 6 hours, 16 hours, 26 hours, 36 hours… Mental health can hit. Unfortunately for me recently, my mental health has impacted my physical health, and I suddenly woke up on Wednesday morning with an eczema flare-up.

• 

What is important, is that people are given the opportunity to engage in activities where they can meet other people, free of judgement. The conditions to do so are now getting better after such a long time with Covid-19 preventing people from doing so.

The pandemic has impacted the lives of many people, and it is important that we understand the impact it can have, whilst trying to support people as they go on a journey to become a healthy, and hopefully happy human again.

I am delighted that I get to connect with some amazing individuals in the community, setting up events that people can join at their own leisure. The option being there is so important, as slowly but surely, people’s confidence will start to increase and they will be able to access all kinds of opportunities that help them to feel healthy in body and mind.

One of the big issues, even before Covid-19, was the employment opportunities for disabled people, which is why I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to do what I do now. But it doesn’t stop at me! The issue has been going on for way too long, and disabled people would’ve been even further behind in their quest to find meaningful employment which suits their strengths and passions because of the pandemic restricting things.

We already know that statistically, people with disabilities such as Dyspraxia, Autism, ADHD etc are more likely to experience poor mental health. This is why more needs to be done to help these people access employment that is assessed as being something that helps them to maintain independence, whilst also being able to access support for their various needs in life.

• 

It is imperative that we have a streamlined approach to supporting people with mental health challenges. Over the past few months, I have been lucky enough to be a part of some nature therapy events and meetups with people I’d only ever connected virtually with in the past. Nature is a fantastic way to enter that “Zen” mode. I had great fun creating artwork featuring stones, leaves, shells and various aspects of nature. The thing about nature, is that you can choose how you experience it, and what elements of nature you truly connect with.

These type of events are a great opportunity to network, and you can surround yourself with people in a judgement free environment. I’m sure I speak for many here when I say that in too many situations, you feel like you have to tick a box and only feel validated in certain cases. That’s why I was do grateful to be able to connect with the MIND charity during these nature therapy events. Their volunteers were lovely to speak to and share experiences and knowledge. And their importance in finding solutions to the mental health crisis cannot go understated.

One thing that I also value so much, is being part of support forums online. It has helped me to become a better person, and inspired me to research more about various mental health topics so I can be of more support. We are all from different walks of life, and I value these people as my “Samaritans” because they have been affected by mental health just like me.

I am truly thankful to have spoken to the various people I’ve spoken to during the past 18 months or so. Because we become much more aware of the practical solutions that should be “prescribed” in order to bring people together and lessen the mental health divide and inequalities.

• 

Poker face

I find it so easy to keep a straight face throughout life. When asked to improvise a situation where I show extreme joy and extreme sadness, I’m afraid to show either one. Mainly because I don’t experience one to that euphoric level and the other I know is inevitable so what’s the point in forcing it.

• 

Acting is actually something I recently wanted to engage in. But it got too real. The scenarios, especially the improvised ones, were just too close to home for me. So I have decided to leave the amateur dramatics group I joined on July 19th.

Putting on a character is something I can do at times. I can make people feel conned into believing I’m the image of joy when inside I’m not totally experiencing that. In fact the time when I feel best and don’t need to act like a different person is when I’m doing my exercise workouts from YouTube and creating music playlists from my favourite radio shows.

Admittedly, I do also get a good feeling from sharing my affirmations daily on Instagram. I like to help people who may be going through a bad time and find some philosophical sort of words easy to relate to. Here are some of my favourite affirmations recently:

I like to go back and revisit them at times. Actually that’s a lie. I share them thinking I’m helping others. It’s not always easy to follow them for my own benefit. Other people are more typical people than me as matter of fact. They are mostly wired differently and know when things get too much at a stage they can intervene quickly.

The burnout I’ve felt recently has been very real. For whatever reason, I’ve decided that the middle of an endemic (don’t believe the scaremongering weasels in the media) is the best time to try and engage in social contexts more. And they all present differently. I enjoy playing football more than I do rugby. But I haven’t made any friends at football and the only reason I get pleasure from rugby is that at least I know people there. I often describe rugby in particular as a “good run around”. I’m not athletic particularly and contribute little to the play. But at least it gets me out of the house and away from an environment where I have too much time on my hands to rant and rave about the way the world is heading. With football I feel the same but feel I fit more to that sport with people who are at a similar profile of skill for the most part so I at least enjoy expressing myself in a sport I never could in the past.

Ultimately I feel at the moment unable to find a point where I don’t burn myself out due to engaging in too many social opportunities or the polar opposite where I just decide to sit in one room all day apart from going for a walk. To be honest, with this whole “ping-demic” going on, part of me wouldn’t be surprised if the head honcho making the decisions on who needs to isolate was someone who wants to go for a walk and not encounter another living soul. I know I’d probably do that just so the world didn’t appear so busy. Just a random thought that could probably be true. Nothing surprises me anymore. Nothing… Surprises me! The poker face remains. People even recently commented saying I’d be a good poker player.

That being said, I’d never actually play poker. It’s one gamble too much. There’s so many ways in which I’m willing to gamble. But my mental health isn’t one of them. And burning myself out just because I have no confidence in social contexts ever appearing normal ever again just won’t be a card placed on the table anymore.

Mental Health Awareness Week 2021

This year’s theme for Mental Health Awareness Week is nature. As Aristotle quite rightly said “There is something to be wondered at in all of nature.”

There are a variety of ways to connect with nature wherever you are. Whether you are in the countryside or closer to a city centre, there will be something for you. Here is one of my moments of appreciating nature, with a photo bomb from my cat.

There are some great examples of bringing nature into the home. Another one of my favourite plants is Aloe Vera, which I have on the windowsill in my bedroom.

• 

I have also seen signs of life whilst out walking over the past few weeks. It’s lovely to see all different kinds of plants, whether it’s Bluebells, Dandelions, Daisies of Daffodils. They provide a welcome scenery whilst on my journey! And on the odd occasion there are a few ducks too!

Connecting with nature can really help to aid people’s response to mental health awareness. There are other important components to also think about in discussion about this topic. Via Time To Change, there is a very useful resource which offers advice on how to give people the platform to talk about what’s going on in their life. Finding a quiet space where someone feels they have privacy is the most important thing to start off with.

It is also best not to ask questions about a person’s situation straight away, but to actively listen to what a person is saying about a given scenario.

Asking questions straight away disrupts a person from being able to get things off their chest.

The next thing of importance (which always presents as challenging to me) is establishing eye contact. In the best case scenario, this would be done in a way that doesn’t appear threatening.

Using positive body language is also important. By using words such as ‘I see’ or ‘what happened next?’ this would reassure the person that they are being heard.

Next, you should check you are understanding what someone is saying by paraphrasing them. This would definitely go some way towards building a greater understanding.

Reflection is another aspect that would be crucial here as well. By reflecting the words used by the speaker, this gives them more opportunity to share bits of their story in their own time.

There are also more helpful ways to respond to a speaker. Firstly- avoid clichés such as “you’re just having a bad day!” Instead, use a statement such as “I appreciate this must be difficult for you.” This gives the speaker the reassurance that they have support.

The sort of questions you respond to the speaker with are also something to consider. ‘YES’ or ‘NO’ questions shouldn’t exist here. Open ended questions such as “What support do you have in place?” are much better to use so you can build a better picture of the scenario.

The most important thing at the end of the day, is that you reassure someone that they are being heard and that they have someone who they can call upon at the time of need.

Time to change have also created a Wellness Action Plan to help further our understanding of mental health. The first component of this is to give individuals time to write out all the things that stress them out, in and out of work, and encourage them to have a 1-1 conversation with someone. Secondly, ask friends or colleagues to take a look at the Wellness Action Plans which can be downloaded on the Time To Change website. Finally, write down and discuss 1-1 all the things that keep you well and that you enjoy doing.

Sleep is another key thing to aid positive mental health. Time to Change provide more support for good sleep via a sleep diary. One question to ask yourself is “Can I ascertain any correlation between my habits and quality of sleep?” The next thing to ask yourself is “What conclusions can I make from the days on which I had the best night’s sleep?” After that you should ask yourself “What actions might I take to improve my lifestyle or environment that might have a positive effect on the quality of my sleep?” Finally, you should ask yourself “Do I need to continue this exercise to gain further insight into my sleep habits?”

The last thing I want to share with you in aid of Mental Health Awareness Week are 8 ways you can start a conversation with someone. First of all, share with someone something that makes you smile. Secondly, text or ask a friend ‘How are you?’ Thirdly, call someone you’ve not spoken to for a while. Then, perform a random act of kindness for someone. Next, thank someone for something they’ve done for you. After that, embrace the great outdoors and ask someone how they are feeling whilst on a wall. Then make someone a cup of tea (or whatever) and have a chat. Finally, find out what someone does to relax.

There are some fantastic resources to use and activities to get involved in for Mental Health Awareness Week this year. And it is important that all of these components link together. If one link breaks, the whole thing falls apart. But with everything working, our mental health will be much better for it!

Stress Awareness Month

Is is something that affects 74% of the UK adult population to the point of “feeling overwhelmed and unable to cope” (according to The Mental Health Foundation). However, it is still something that perhaps even those suffering with it don’t quite understand how to deal with.

April 2021 marks Stress Awareness Month, and this year’s campaign from The Stress Management Society is to “BE OPEN”, “SHARE”, and “HELP ONE ANOTHER”. My own stress levels have been impacted for sure by the Covid-19 pandemic, like many people. But a lot of my stress existed long before the pandemic began. So I’m going to use this platform to the best of my ability to do exactly what I referred to at the top of this paragraph.

What the pandemic has done, is made it difficult for me as a young person, to relate to the way a person of the older generation thinks. I feel like I have been less able to rely on people in terms of understanding my perspective. Instead, arguments have become more frequent which has resulted in heightened stress levels for me.

My confidence in social contexts has also been destroyed by Covid-19, in particular the restrictions of which we are being forced to live by. One thing I find it difficult to attach to (also as a more introverted person who doesn’t get the same buzz off social contexts) is being told that “things we once enjoyed without restriction we took for granted.” This statement only goes to make my relationship with others worse. The reason being, is that I don’t feel as confident in social situations anyway, and if I left a social context and wasn’t burnt out… It’d be a miracle. This is why I don’t “take things for granted.” This statement has just been put in Room 101 for the record.

When I’m feeling like my emotions take hold of me, I’m very grateful to have been able to reach out for support from organisations linked to mental health. Samaritans in particular are an organisation I’m incredibly grateful for who have helped to lessen my stress by listening to what I have to say. The power of “ASKING TWICE” also applies here too. Samaritans ask more questions than one to understand as much as possible what someone is going through. I feel like after a conversation with Samaritans I become more in control of what is in my mind and I feel less negative emotions than before I spoke to them.

Control is actually a huge element of stress. Of course control can be interpreted in different ways. Right now I don’t feel I have the control of the whole situation in my life that I’m looking forward. But I’m powerless to change this. My stress levels are inevitably impacted. If the restrictions didn’t exist, as in none of them, I would, like many people, feel in much more control. But the fact is that many people right now will be much more stressed because they can’t control what’s going on.

As much as what’s going on has heightened my stress levels over the past 13 months, there are elements which have helped to bring my stress levels back down to earth (or for me down to earth means medium stress levels).

Nutrition is a big thing in my quest to become less stressed. I have increased my repertoire of foods and become much fitter and healthier by learning about what different foods can provide a stressed mind. That’s a big win!

Something that goes in tandem with nutrition is exercise. I have very much enjoyed tuning in to my home workouts over the past 13 months. I’ve found variety so that I get a good body workout throughout the week. 1 rest day is crucial for rest and replenishment too, which I would spend doing my household chores as my “exercise”. I also love going for my daily walks which are usually 4-5 miles a day. And my favourite route even looks like a stingray.

Music and video games are also a huge pick-me-up and once engrossed in these things… Stress fades away. I love to create music playlists every week and listen to my favourite music shows on the radio, as well as listening to podcasts. I enjoy playing video games online with friends too, which doesn’t only give me a welcome boost, but also provides company for my friends.

As an introverted soul, quiet time is my 6th sense. It’s something I always know when I need and something that helps me to become more comfortable with my own company. After all, as I mentioned before, I can get easily burnt out being around others for a long time. Things I enjoy doing in my own time include reading books or magazines, and engaging in a crossword or a quiz online. These activities remove a lot of the heavy thoughts from my mind and allows me to focus on something that doesn’t involve trying to solve the world’s problems in one day!

Boost Your Self Esteem Month 2021

February 2021 is Boost Your Self Esteem Month. As someone who suffers with Generalised Anxiety Disorder and Mild to Moderate Depression, I am so happy to focus my attention on this month in particular and finding ways to feel connected to the world.

Out and About:

I’ve very much enjoyed going on walks and taking a few pictures while out over the past few days especially. The sun has been out, and that’s a big boost to self esteem in itself. Here are some of my snaps:

It sure is lovely to see some signs of spring. The changing of the seasons is lovely to witness. It is the sign of new life appearing.

Favourite Tunes:

Music is something that helps me a lot and listening to my favourite music helps me to unwind from all the unhelpful thoughts going round my head on a daily basis. These are just some randomly selected times from putting my playlist on shuffle:

Other things that help me to feel good:

I find word puzzles are something that focus my mind on something positive and stop my mind from going to unhelpful places. I also love to listen to mental health related podcasts such as The Stress Sessions Podcast and The Rut Podcast. Here are a couple of my favourite word type puzzles to do in my spare time:

Artwork:

Artwork helps me to express myself and recently I thought of my own design to do off the top of my head. I quite like doing abstract art and trying to do something that if I searched on Google, I couldn’t find the exact same design. I want to be as authentic as possible because I don’t just want to copy someone else’s idea or do my own version of an already existing design. Here are my most recent pieces of artwork that have helped me to feel a sense of purpose too:

I’d love to hear how you have been finding ways to boost your self esteem over the month of February. Above all else I hope this helps people in some way to read this and to perhaps find inspiration in different ways.

Time To Talk Day 2021 (a day late)

This was something I was totally oblivious too. It says a lot doesn’t it, that my mind was distracted from this by so many people obsessing about the wrong thing that we will probably never see the truth about.

Let’s (a day later than I should be writing this), discuss the real pandemic- or rather- the pandemic that has gone on for much longer and still has no answer. Mental health.

This year’s topic is the Power of Small. What the mission is, is for people to try and have conversations about their mental health. I still don’t think we are at the right point of understanding… Yet we are in 2021. I think this is more of a UK problem, because, like it or not, the issue will always revolve around the failing system that only helps people who are in an absolute crisis, and discards those who haven’t reached crisis point YET. People could become a crisis situation, and then they have to play the frustrating waiting game for 1, 2, 3 years only to be fighting a losing battle.

What I will say is this: battling for support for my mental health since it started to deteriorate in 2018, has been like fighting a battle equipped with a bread stick sword and a poppadom shield. As you’ve probably figured, these things would be completely useless which is the analogy I use to describe the system, which I don’t think has a broad enough understanding.

Of course, the majority of people when they think of mental health think of, most likely, 3 different disorders. Those being anxiety, depression, and PTSD. Possibly bipolar as well to add a 4th in there. These are the more common things that people understand. But what about those disorders which go totally under the radar and forgotten about.

There are certain disorders can coexist with anxiety disorders for example, but don’t have that knowledge it seems. It doesn’t help that the terminology used in some situations can be quite dangerous to use. Take Paranoid Personality Disorder for example. This is something I have been learning about and it appears that using the word Paranoid isn’t right. Via YouTube, I watched an interview with Dr Ramani Durvasula via MedCircle where she discusses Paranoid Personality Disorder in particular, and would like to see the word “Paranoid” replaced with “Hypersensitive”. I just find it staggering how the change of a word in a diagnosis would make people feel more comfortable listening to someone discuss it. It’s not anybody’s fault if they think they might show signs of this disorder and everyone in their close circle rejects this because of the word “Paranoid”.

Division becomes a big problem when trying to discuss mental health. Especially these lesser known disorders. Other disorders which don’t really have that understanding to me are things like Avoidant Personality Disorder and even Social Anxiety Disorder to an extent.

I have had more than enough times where I almost pretend to be texting someone on my phone in public or playing a game on my phone because I’m unprepared for my next social interaction with a complete stranger. Sometimes I even do it if I was on the way to a friend’s house because I don’t want to turn up too early and them feel like they have to rush. This is real. And I’m absolutely sure that I am not the only one who feels like this.

The avoidance comes along when I feel inferior to other people. Because I am not this loud leader or overly confident big personality, I would avoid situations where I feel I don’t fit in to the environment whatsoever. I’ve been in experiences before where I feel like I’ve been criticised for no reason because people are waiting to see this loud and assertive character that I will never be. Well I’m actually not sorry to disappoint anymore. I could leave everyone bored and waiting for the rest of their life for all I care. Because not everyone fits into this category. Plus, I don’t need validation from someone who wants me to tick a box. I don’t want to be a box ticker and I’d advise anyone else not to be either. Be yourself, and don’t settle for other people’s ignorance.

As I said at the beginning, it is important to start small. There is no quick fix overnight. But starting that conversation is the key to having a better society where people are less ignorant and less judgemental.

By discussing bits of my story here, I hope that other people will take the time to understand. And I’ll say this too: Please, go and check out the odd video. There are plenty of outlets on YouTube such as MedCircle, Dr Todd Grande and Kati Morton. One day, I would love to see some British mental health pioneers who have this kind of knowledge that these such outlets have about mental health.

As I will always say until I’m blue in the face, the UK is lacking when it comes to mental health, and this has come to the surface yet again because of people’s everlasting obsession with you know what. But any knowledge you can get, the better the conversations can be surrounding these continuous taboo topics.

May I just finish off here by expressing my gratitude for organisations such as YoungMinds, Mind and Samaritans for the incredible work that they are continuing to do in order to increase awareness about mental health. I personally have had numerous conversations with Samaritans over the past 11 months and I can’t thank them enough for being there at the time of need when I’ve felt that I don’t have the understanding from elsewhere.

Start the conversation. You just never know how much your effort would be appreciated, however small the conversation might be. You could change someone’s life for the better. Think about that.

Wellness Vs Illness: Each part of the ever developing ME

Today I want to talk about the contributing factors that have been at play. Both sides. Because I feel that to help people find escapism and understand people who you might view as insane or beyond the realm of rational being, it is best to address these things not ignore them. So here are the different factors of mental wellness and illness that I relate to.

Wellness:

Journaling helps me to release my bad emotions, especially during this time. And believe me, there have been many. I’m the sort who is relentless for wanting the absolute best. Not just the sort of person who’d be ok with saying “at least we aren’t as bad as.” That sort of mentality doesn’t sit right with me. And goes to show people wish to put up with mediocrity rather than building a winning mentality.

So I end up having plenty to rant about (which you can probably pick up on already). Everyone has their own stance. I’m just a person who perhaps feels a little more frustrated since this is the 6th year really of my journey towards finding what my calling in life is. Yet I can’t do it! There are less options. I know I’m not the only one. But what my mental health says to me is that life is the rat race. And I am a snail. Not even a tortoise.

Illness:

Trustworthiness in the media is completely dead inside of me now. I know what I would essentially tell people. But I don’t issue ultimatums. I don’t exactly know whether to enjoy seeing what I perceive as the propaganda that people inject into themselves from watching what’s on “the box” everyday or whether to feel sad about that.

My lack of trust has become more of a thing based on different experiences. Not just what I now will never read, listen to or watch again unless I choose to (which I won’t). Multiple experiences that have made me show myself more respect and allow myself the space to make my own decisions- whether popular or not.

Wellness:

Things to laugh at are important. Whether it’s a comedy series on TV or a game of some kind. Laughter helps.

It at least distracts away from the darkness for a few moments. In telling times, it brings a sense of joy and something people enjoy in the moment with each other.

Illness:

The anxiety of social situations in a “normal” world is crippling. Let alone what this post apocalyptic world will feel like when we are actually allowed better social interaction. I mean introverted type social interaction would’ve been great to teach the extroverts how to behave in an entirely different way for a bit- but we couldn’t bargain for that either.

It’s much more challenging when you are neuro-diverse and find it difficult to connect with people anyway, but with almost a revolving door of a small number of people (3) to speak to face to face since March last year, my anxiety just increases. I’m frequently asking myself questions like: “Do I have to change what I think?” Or “Am I wasting this person’s time?” I often feel totally inadequate in social contexts. It’s a work in progress, and I feel I’ve got better at being the listener not the talker. But I’ll forever be a better talker because I never remember much of what people have to say. It’s not my ignorance in this case anyway. Because believe me people should be vigilant as I say, with things that sound too good to be true.

Wellness:

Painting has become a favourite pastime of mine especially since I got some more painting kit for Christmas. I’m someone who is again relentless for wanting to find originality in what I do. I don’t want to copy someone else’s design. Because most of my life from the age of 12 to 16 I spent copying other people to get the results I needed. I believe I may have said that before but I need to emphasise this. Yet another contribution to this idea that I believe is fuelled to make people sometimes focus on something that isn’t calling them in the slightest. Just gives you a bit of an ego boost in certain scenarios most likely.

One thing I enjoy about painting is geometric style designs. I like working with shapes because of the detailed and structured way of creating something. Here is a recent design. Inspired by a watermelon.

Illness:

Avoidance has been a thing for me sometimes as well. A lot of people have probably had disagreements during the past 10 months. Because that’s what it’s become. Wars of words. Contrasting ideas that none of us can fix but only have our say rather than have our way.

When you’ve somehow had a year of people being suppressed, that could well turn into 2 years of being suppressed, and you feel like there’s something that doesn’t add up, you’re probably going to be quite reactionary like me. Which is why you run as far away from anything to do with what’s going on as possible and pretend it’s a bad dream. Well, I mean who knows? But it becomes bitter when you have different thoughts to many others and they don’t see your side. Because forever and a day, it seems that it’s the youths who are more closed minded. But I think this is just something to try and win the battle.

You almost wish that you have your friends, people you know, and family on side, but it’s never that simple. And each day, it seems my ideologies change based on how I feel towards the situation and how I feel towards the people who are allowed to express what they think just because they are a bit less reactionary. We are all human, and we all make mistakes. Even if we all fall out, we all find our people in the end, and for me those people I surround myself are generally the ones who agree with me or vice versa. Otherwise, I’d avoid them. And as social media is basically the only way to connect right now and I have more people I connect with on social media than in real life, my 10-month fantasy of fake extroversion would be very easy to remove myself from to find people who I find are the sort I want to surround myself with.

Wellness:

I wanted you all to finish reading this having read something good. So I have recently latched onto an idea put together by a local football club in my area to promote getting active and going on a walk. All the miles will be added up via the Strava app. This was such a great idea that I was thrilled to get involved with. Getting outside of the house is a true blessing for everyone even if it’s just for a walk right now. Much more enjoyable times will return sooner, rather than later.

What Next? The possible collapse of many connections

I don’t know what’s next. It’s something I try not to think about so that I don’t build even more unhealthy grudges against people. All that’s out their right now is plain uncertainty.

Of course, not helped by those who break the rules on purpose and show no common sense, or the fact that the decision makers allow the big corporations to continue business which is probably the worse offence than people going somewhere for a walk (at a physically distant fashion may I point out).

If this is the end of social interaction for however long, and anyone actually agrees with even tighter restrictions, I’d happily add those people to the social media block list. Cancelling people with common sense (at least for the most part). Not a good move.

Hope is what I cling on to. And I’m sure people know that hope is still a good thing to have. There is a sure difference between hope and belief. I can just tell there will be people who have the idea of punishment seemingly oven ready which only leads to hope, not belief for me.

At least I’ve blocked all news sources. Whether it’s the Beeb, ITV, Channel 4, 5… Whatever channel it is. In the bin. I don’t know what to believe. I can’t honestly believe people would really want to exercise their mind so much as to watch or listen to anything via any news source. I will celebrate those who have made to me the wisest decision possible… To be rid of every news source, whether mainstream or not, completely out of their life. To me… Ignorance is bliss. I know what I need to. And I don’t need to live in any other way.

There are a few distractions that have helped me forget about this absolute shambles we are continuing to live in, which has solutions which seem to me about as slow as a snails funeral. My main distraction is criss cross. One of my staple stocking fillers I love receiving every year. I usually get myself another one once I’ve completed easy one.

Something else I have done, to take away the unpleasant scent of the information I hear and most opinions that aren’t mine, is to drop lavender on my pillow at night. At least removes some of the anxiety at times by changing the scent.

I’ve also been reading my book, which is one of my favourite books seen as it’s something that puts my mind at rest about what I believe compared to others. Quiet by Susan Cain is the book in case you wanted to know.

Listening to music and painting have been welcome things as well. My favourite way to pass the time with music has been to listen to all previous episodes of Tiesto Club Life that I’d missed, essentially from episode 715 to 427. My recent painting is my first design of a sky and lake with a swan

Again, I just hope the world doesn’t fall any further into the abyss than it needs to. But do I think it will… Probably. Just a joke to me at this point. But what do I know.